Our Readers and Workshop Participant's Comments

We Help Each Other

By sharing your thoughts, you offer hope to other men and women trapped in abusive realtionships.Click Here To Share

What our Readers Tell Us

If you love yourself more, others love you more. Other people respect you as you respect yourself.
don't understand why this is such a secret.
~Anita Moorjani

Cherie writes, Detach...to focus on oneself and not on the disease of the partner. I did this. It took two months before he began to totally hate me, depleted the bank account, and filed for divorce. I will say that I have been blessed by God through the process thus far. Rent has been paid, groceries in the fridge, etc. Was it the outcome I wanted? No. Was it the healthiest outcome. Yes. Thank you for the time you spent putting this together.

Gina writes, Thank you! I got the book Respect Me Rules, and it has been so very helpful. I plan to read it regularly to remind myself what to look for and how to respond. Thanks again

Suzanne writes, Thank you so much! I have learned so much throughout this and your course was a great eye opener as well.

Jilly writes, Thank you! I got the book Respect Me Rules, and it has been so very helpful. I plan to read it regularly to remind myself what to look for and how to respond. Thanks again.

Kathy T. writes, Hello. I've come across your website and want to pursue your ideas on how to dodge being a target. I really like the distinction: target, not victim. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and my mom was a victim. I mean, really, a victim, and I learned how to be one, too. I am well-educated, a retired public affairs specialist, normally happy, and am fortunate to be healthy, too. So I'm not having to deal with limitations as far as leaving if I decide to do so. I've been married for 34 1/2 years. I love the guy but don't like him a good deal of the time lately. I have fallen into a funk. Even looking around things look monochromatic. So, it's time to learn some new ways of coping. Thank you for your help

CC writes, Already you have helped me by saying, "You are a target, not a victim". All the professional help I've received so far either a/ just says that I'm an accomplice in the role playing or b/ that I'm in a terrible situation, a victim, what can be done?

HadEnough wrote, Co-dependency plays such a huge part into this sickness.. I let this go on in my life for 18 years, and I feel that my co-dependency was my crutch if you will.. Until I Was able to stand UP for myself, and face him, and demand to be treated better, this was never going to go away.. As long as I let him continue to blame me, for his P/MB (porn/masturbating) .... he would...

Kathy T. writes Hello. I've come across your website and want to pursue your ideas on how to dodge being a target. I really like the distinction: target, not victim. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and my mom was a victim. I mean, really, a victim, and I learned how to be one, too. I am well-educated, a retired public affairs specialist, normally happy, and am fortunate to be healthy, too. So I'm not having to deal with limitations as far as leaving if I decide to do so. I've been married for 34 1/2 years. I love the guy but don't like him a good deal of the time lately. I have fallen into a funk. Even looking around things look monochromatic. So, it's time to learn some new ways of coping. Thank you for your help.

Dana in MS writes, It's been two years since I woke up to his abuse. I still cannot function. I have panic attacks about leaving my house out of fear of running into him or his friends. I stay armed with something at all times. I was victimized for almost two years and didn't realize it. I just wanted him to love me.
Little did I know that all he loved was the sex. He has ruined my reputation and my integrity. He has posted what I thought were intimate photos and videos for us only on the internet and shared them with his friends and mine including relatives. I have filed a restraining order and complained to his off-site supervisor. I know he is doing this to other women as well and they are feeling just like me.
The worst thing is that I cannot go outside my house. He rides by my house at all hours. I am not physically afraid of HIM...rather I am afraid of what I will do TO him if he comes near me. This is driving me crazy and my daughter needs ME..not this person I have become.

Devin from Australia writes, I love the 'you are not a victim but a target' and also the following words, "Victims survive. Victor's win. You are not going to survive anything, you are going to WIN." In a strange way the word 'survive is also what drove me to my current therapy...i'm sick of 'just surviving'...

Jessica from Texas This site has been tremendously helpful. I have in my relationships, experienced all forms of abuse. Emotional and verbal abuse is BY FAR the hardest to recover from. No one can see the bruises to know that I needed help... THey just saw this cool guy that I was married to... Such a lucky girl. Cops are notorious for being abusive to their spouses and the spouses don't know where to turn... The cops are friends with their abuser. Where do you turn? But there is very little information to be found on how to deal in this touchy situation, so thank you! (read Jessica's story here)

Song writes, I believe there is a huge need for what you have discovered in how to handle emotional and verbal abuse. It was amazingly timely and divinely serendipitous to find your website.

"M" writes, Dear Shelly, WOW. The tutorial was very informative. I am glad that I read it... for reasons too numerous to list.
Glad that you included the links, but most of all actions. I have the site bookmarked and will share it with others.
Wishing you a peaceful and fulfilling day

Heidi from the UK writes, : Thank you for words of power, they inspire me when I feel so weak for not getting out of this.

Gerry J from New Zealand, I understand your feedback, am very grateful, and upon reflection, I realise that when I try to reason with Colleen, it does only inflame the situation and leads to further insults and more threats.
I will in future put your feed back into play. You are also correct in your assumption that 'I think you will get into trouble with her because you can't really explain things to an abuser.'
As I mentioned above, my trying to reason only inflames the situation. I thank you greatly for your feedback and especially for your most informative workshop. I have learn't an amazing amount about spousal abuse, and more importantly how to deal with it and render them impotent.
You have my sincerest thanks for your help and assistance at a time in my life when i do so need it.

Amanda writes This was truly amazing! I hadn't realized how I had let every kind of abuse creep into my 20 year marriage. I see now that it's me allowing these things to continue and that the more I show him my love for him, the more I'm giving my blessing to this increasingly cruel nonsense! No more. Thank you so much for helping me see beyond the "episodes" that, thru my denial and fear have become an expected part of my daily life. I have a long way to go... but I feel FREE already

Jan writes, This was truly amazing! I hadn't realized how I had let every kind of abuse creep into my 20 year marriage. I see now that it's me allowing these things to continue and that the more I show him my love for him, the more I'm giving my blessing to this increasingly cruel nonsense! No more. Thankyou so much for helping me see beyond the "episodes" that, thru my denial and fear have become an expected part of my daily life. I have a long way to go... but I feel FREE already!

Ginny writes, Right now, we are about to repeat the abuse cycle, right on the verge of the "honeymoon" phase. I am numb and at least this time I am not willing to "roll" with the flow. At the same time I want to do right by my husband.

Elaine writes, After realizing that I live with the occasionally angry and abusive man, I now feel like I have some tools other than packing boxes and leaving. Maybe it will come to that, but for now I feel empowered.

Sharaden K. Shelly, Thanks for checking with me. I'm pleased to be remembered. I've had much success with the rules and the basic idea that I don't deserve to be treated poorly. Since I have young children, I sometimes struggle with being consistent with the rules, and wind up picking battles.
I found a counselor to help me, and also am finding great help from Karol Truman's "script" from Feelings buried Alive Never Die. I haven't yet found a good support group. I'm frustrated that if I relate my struggles, friends are quick to tell me I'm with a bad egg, but not as quick to encourage me in the healthy things that I am doing about it. I did get a book for my mom, but although I have shared my experience with it, have not given it to her yet. She has been abroad, and I am waiting for the right time. But that's not really helpful, I realize. I think I'll give it to her today.
Thank you for your wonderful workshop and website. Working through the workshop, reading on your site, and working through the workbook, have contributed to the layers of work that I've needed in order to cement the new ways of being that I have learned from them. Blessings back, Sharaden